Be a man.  Get tough. Go hard. Don’t wuss out. Don’t be such a girl.

Sound familiar?

Whilst we would love to think these outdated phrases are no longer in use, go to any university or high school campus and you will hear these words.  These phrases start even earlier – in the playground.  You might hear, “You’re such a baby!” . Or,  “Haven’t you heard that crying is for girls?”. “Let’s see how tough you are!”.  “I’m stronger than you…watch this.”

These messages are also relentlessly played out in the media and in sports circles.

We often see patients who come to us with poor self-esteem, directly as a result of such toxic messages.  They feel they are not ‘man enough’, they will never be able to attract a partner and that empathy or kindness are signs of weakness. Often, they have been victims of bullying at school or in the workplace as a result.

Think your workplace is different? Look around you. Are your male colleagues comfortable with showing uncertainty in their decision-making? Do they display their  vulnerability? How many are comfortable taking time out when they are struggling, rather than ‘toughing it out’? Is there a sense of safety in disclosing their sexual orientation or gender identity?

We hope for a better future for our brothers, husbands, sons. We want a world that is kinder to men. We would like a world that allows men space to be who they are. A world that trusts that strength lies in a man’s compassion and respect for others. A world that allows for different kinds of men.

It starts in the family home, in how boys are raised.  Seeing them for who they are.  Being mindful of the language used around them. Ensuring that they have both male and female friends and role models. Avoiding toys/movies/games that perpetuate gender stereotypes.

In the workplace, try to see beyond the bravado and bluster of some male colleagues. Try to notice when someone might be struggling.

If you are a man struggling with some of the issues raised here, find a safe space to explore this, with a trusted therapist or psychiatrist near you.

With increasing levels of family violence around the world, compounded by lockdowns and the claustrophobia of domestic life, we urgently need change to the messages we are sending our boys and men. Is it idealistic to dream of a better future? We really don’t think so.  We can start making these changes ourselves, right now.