Kindness to self is a profound way of healing hurts and embarrassments. It would be wonderful if we all had a kind and nurturing ‘inner voice’. However, many of us suffer from demeaning and overly critical inner dialogue that can affect our mental health and wellness. Our patients have used various metaphors to describe this, but one that comes to mind is that of the ‘internal bully’.  This internal bully can use a number of strategies to defeat you – reminding you of past failings, laughing at you when you attempt to do something new, highlighting your inadequacies and repeating to you that there is no hope.

There are a number of ways in which you can diminish the power of this voice.  One option is to use the same tricks that the voice uses –  such as belittling the voice itself. We have had patients call this internal bully by a name, e.g. “Tom”, and then talk back at it in their minds.

For instance, when you hear “Tom’s” voice again, you can say, “Thanks for your thoughts Tom, I’m busy and want to get something done today. Why don’t you go away for now and I’ll talk to you another time?”. Or “Yes, yes, Tom. I’ve heard this all before. See you later.”

The idea behind these strategies is to create some psychological distance between you and the negative talk/internal bully. This ensures that it doesn’t become a core part of who you are.

It is also useful to replace the internal bully with other, more positive, thoughts and images. We don’t mean unrealistic toxic positivity.  This may involve strategies such as talking to a good friend who might remind you of your positive qualities, or having reminders around your home of things you did well or accomplished in the past. You may also practice distraction from the negative thoughts – some people like to use music or go for a walk. The idea is to have ‘circuit-breakers’ in place, so that you don’t ruminate over the same thoughts again and again.

These ideas are rather simple but can be quite effective. It is always best to be engaged with a good therapist, to work through some of these issues and to help support you in implementing various techniques. If you have a therapist and have seen them for some time, perhaps the internal bully’s voice may be drowned out by messages of hope and encouragement.